You love porn! You do and you know you do. So go look in the mirror and read to yourself this daily affirmation, like that weirdo that was more cringe-worthy than funny, Stuart Smalley.

‘I love porn. I find it exciting and titillating. It is probably the only way I ever even use my imagination in any way anymore. It lets me swim and relish and submerge myself in all of my fantasies and depravities. I am too afraid to live them for real, so this is the next best thing. Thank you, God, Buddha, Jehovah, Allah etc. for porn and for tube sites. Amen!”

OK. Now that you have done this and you have absolved yourself of all of the guilt, I want to explain how I came to see how much we Americans (and for that matter the whole world) really are obsessed with porn. It is all in the numbers folks. Numbers never lie. Whether you are bad at math or a calculus major, this is gonna be really easy to follow.

I came across some staggering figures form a website named SimpleWeb. SimpleWeb is a free site. It becomes a pay site for all the bells and whistles, and it has a ton of info probably worth paying for. It basically breaks down data into 240 categories and ranks sites in 60 countries. For this article, I am discussing United States web traffic. They put out a top 50 traffic list every month, where you can pay for the rest of the sites on the list after 50.

Take a look at the TOP TEN websites in traffic in America! Do you notice something sandwiched in with all the sites you know and love? Well, kids, I noticed that pornhub.com, xnxx.com & xvideos.com are in the fucking TOP TEN!!! Are you kidding me? No seriously! Two of those sites get more traffic monthly than eBay and Twitter! Holy shitballs!!

Now, I will say that the porn runs pretty dry after that. You have one more tube site, xhamster.com (17th) and you also have one ‘cam site’ that breaks into the top 50, and that is chaturbate.com (39th). That means that the leading webcam model site generates more traffic than Drudgereport, Hulu, Bank of America, MLB.com, AOL.com and Twitch.

So what does this tell us? What does it tell you? What does it tell me? It says that people are obsessed with their porn in America. I can tell you the fact that it is free on these tube sites is a huge factor. American’s love free shit. Free toy in the cereal box. Free topping on your frozen custard. Free oil change with the purchase of a car. You get it.

I don’t know about you, but I was quite surprised with the findings. I knew people loved their porn, but I really was surprised in just how much. I mean these numbers are staggering! And it is not just one site. So go ahead and get out your KY and your tissues and your Fleshlights and your Hitachi Magic Wand and have fun! everyone else is doing it to. Join the flock of happy sheep that can relax knowing they just blew their mutton all over the place!