After careful consideration I, Barack Obama, do issue the following executive order:
For the holiday known as Halloween, there is a custom called trick or treating. This is an activity where youngsters approach homes, say “trick or treat”, receive candy and other gifts. It has come to my attention that some children end up with more candy than others. Those who get large amounts of candy should share with those who do not. Therefore, I order that at the end of the trick or treating, those who received the most candy will have to give 35% of all of their candy to those who did not get as much. For those youngsters who did not get as much candy, but more than their share, we will take 25% of your candy to give to others. Still, from others we will take 15% of your candy to give to others.
In addition, I also order that those youngsters who decided to stay home and play video games and not trick or treat at all will also get candy and it will be taken from those who actually did the trick or treating. We are all in this together, and I must point out that the streets that you walk on to get to the houses in order to trick or treat were built by someone else. You did not build those streets and homes, someone else built those for you. Therefore, you are not entitled to all of that candy. It is patriotic for you to give your candy to those who did not get as much, and even to those who did not trick or treat at all.
I know that there will be many who object to this new executive order, but to those critics I must remind you that you did not get that candy, someone else got that candy for you. To those who receive that candy, I remind you that you did not get that candy yourself, someone else got it for you; in this case, that someone is me, Barack Obama. I hope you remember that when you are old enough to vote.