We’ve all blamed our parents for a lot of stupid things while growing up. Stuff like not being able to stay out past curfew, borrowing the car, and not letting us go on spring break are just a few gripes, making up the insurmountable heap of things we complain about as offspring. Looking back, our parents just had our best interests in mind and were protecting us from elements they could control. Now that we are all growns up, we realize there are many things that we actually can blame our parents for, specifically our DNA. So whether you are bald, fat, or just plain ugly, it’s most definitely your parents’ fault this time around. Feel free to thank them for keeping you out of trouble as a kid, but let them have it about making you the disgusting, disease ridden, troll of a person you are today. I love you mom and dad, thanks a bunch. On to the list!
10. Baldness- It’s every white, 22 year old male’s worst nightmare. Sorry to my friends of the darker skinned variety, but when you go bald, you look like a professional athlete; when we go bald, we look like a cancer patient. Those are just the facts. Once we find that first trace of a receding hairline, we track it every morning when we get up. A lot of myths out there circulate the fallacy that baldness is passed down through your mother’s father. If he was bald, you’ll be looking like Dr. Evil before you’re 25. Studies have shown that it is actually a mixture of both parents’ DNA when concerning “the bald gene”. Next time you go to the barber shop and tell them to give you the George Costanza, let your folks know what type of hat you want for your next birthday. It’s the least they can do.
9. Lactose Intolerance- For those not familiar with lactose intolerance, it’s the inability to digest lactose (a sugar found in milk and most dairy products). A 1960s study revealed that it was common among Asians, Africans, and Southern Europeans, where milk was not a steady part of their dietary history. There’s nothing like drinking a big glass of ice cold milk then being stuck on the can for the next two days, is there? This lack of digestion works in our favor, being the dairy loving Americans that we are. In the near future when China looks to become the world’s number one superpower, all we have to do is suit up the good people of Wisconsin, and the world is ours again. Riding high on Ol’ Betsy and armed with nothing but a block of cheddar, China will have no hope as they are stricken with stomach cramps and diarrhea to the likes never seen before. U S A! U S A!
8. Acne- If it wasn’t awkward enough being a teenager, go ahead and throw a bunch of zits on your forehead to send your confidence down the tubes. Well pizza face, go ahead and blame your parents for making you look like a connect the dot puzzle as well. It’s of little comfort that your dad was the same way in school when you see the group of hot girls pointing and giggling at that volcano about to erupt on your chin (studies have shown that a family with history of the skin condition is likely to pass it down to their children). Good thing we can thank celebrities such as Diddy, Jessica Simpson, and Avril Lavigne for leading the fight against this date-kryptonite disease known as acne. Go out there and get that greasy, pimple scattered face some Proactive and be somebody.
7. Having Twins- Yes everybody loves a set of newborn twins. They get to be dressed the same, already have a best friend, and get to experience everything together from the time of their birth. Everybody loves them except their parents. Hold on a second. I’m not saying that parents of twins don’t love their kids, but when you are expecting to financially support one child and another one pops out right behind it, that can send your life spinning out of control in an instant. It’s double duty all around at that point. Clothes, diapers, food, medicine etc. All of this can take a toll on the wallet if you know what I’m saying. Another thing ladies, if you get mad at your man when you’re knocked up because, “he was the one that did this to you”, you only have your mom to thank for this. Your mother is the one who carries the twin gene, so get off our backs girls, damn. On the other hand, who doesn’t like a nice set of twins, huh guys? Lord knows I do.
6. Heart Disease- One of the top killers in the United States today is heart disease. Having a family history of heart disease, diabetes, stroke, or high blood pressure most certainly will mean that you are more likely to develop issues with your heart. So if heart disease runs in your family, here are three simple tips commonly used to combat it. Tip 1. A glass of red wine a day is said to reduce the chance of heart disease. If you’re an alcoholic like myself, that’s music to your ears. Tip 2. Get your lazy ass off of the couch and get a little exercise for Christ’s sake. Enough said. Tip 3. Chill out bro. Stress, literally, can be a killer. Stop sweating all of the small stuff in life and live damn it, live!
5. Obesity- As if fat people needed another excuse to blame someone else for being a lard ass, here it is. The obesity gene is passed down from your parents, so if they’re fat, chances are that you will be too. Go ahead and tell your parents thanks for making you the big tub of goo that you’ve become today. You don’t have to take any responsibility for stuffing your flabby face full of Quad-stackers from Burger King any longer. Load up on that zesty sauce my fat friend and let those chins flap in the breeze because you’re off the hook. Of course eating too much of the wrong foods is the main factor leading to obesity, but you’re not trying to hear that. Time for big boned people to rejoice everywhere. Hit up that buffet and stuff that fat, sweaty face of your’s guilt free. The world is your bucket of chicken and we’re just trying to stay a safe distance away from your mouths. Bon appetit!
4. Bullying- Give me all your lunch money or I’ll bash your face in nerd! That’s right. Being a bully can be directly linked to your parents’ gene pool. In what scientists call, “the asshole gene”, an individual’s risk of violence is greatly enhanced by your jerk of a dad. We all grew up where there was that one dirtbag family that just loved to fight all of the time. Not only is bullying passed down genetically, it is taught. Bullies get rewarded all of the time for being dick heads; it’s a fact. Parents are the only reason to blame for allowing this behavior. If your neighborhood has reported increased amounts of noogies, titty twisters, and atomic wedgies, then “the asshole gene” has taken over, and it’s time to get out of dodge…O’Doyle rules!!!
3. Color Blindness- Huh, who knew? I don’t know anyone that’s color blind, do you? I didn’t think so. Over 10 million men in the U.S.A. can’t tell the difference between the colors red and green. That just plain nuts. So you mean to tell me that when I’m driving down US-1, (like I do 100 times a day), there are over 10 million chances that some color blind dude can go flying through a red light and take me out just like that? As if I wasn’t worried enough about all of the other sh*tty drivers on the road in South Florida, now I have to worry about color blindness? Is the grass red? Are fire trucks green? I need to know these things people. I just blew my own mind.
2. Breast cancer- Breast cancer deaths are the leading cause of all cancer deaths for woman between the ages of 15 and 54. Cancer remains one of the true mysteries for doctors to figure out. Research has discovered mutations in the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes most likely linked to breast cancer. Most of my readers know that I like to poke fun at basically anything and anybody, but cancer is no laughing matter. Everyone has been affected through someone they know by this deadly disease. The only thing that I can tell the ladies out there is to make sure that you stay on top of this. Go get examined by your doctor and check yourself frequently as well. This can strike at anytime and without any notice whatsoever. We at the Chronicle rock our pink ribbons and so should you.
1. Alcoholism- The most fun disease in the world takes the top spot. Man do I love to drink! Beer, shots, mixers, rubbing alcohol, paint thinner, Nyquil…you name it, and I’ll drink it. Now just because one of your parents is an alcoholic doesn’t mean that you will be coming out of the womb sipping on a 40oz, though there is a 50% chance that the gene is in you. Everyone is different and many factors come into play when addiction is involved. In all seriousness, alcoholism is a nasty thing. It can rip families apart and is extremely detrimental to your health. If you or someone you know has a serious drinking problem, Alcoholics Anonymous is probably the way to go. I, on the other hand, am in complete denial. Don’t come preaching at me with that AA bullsh*t because I don’t have a drinking problem. I’m just awesome!