Q: Dear Chronic Love, every time I go to the bar I see the girl I like surrounded by her girlfriends. How can I pull her away from her friends and get her to notice me?
- John, Delray Beach

First things first: know your prey. Women often travel in small groups of usually no more than four to six. The group can easily be divide into two parts: The President and the Secret Service, the President representing the one girl you would like to know better, the Secret Service representing the three to five other girls orbiting her. Now we all know the job of the Secret Service is to keep you from getting to the President. The Secret Service knows that the President is their social ticket and they’re not going to give her up without a fight. This is why one of the hardest things a man can do is infiltrate a group of girls at the bar. Luckily for you, The South Florida Chronicle presents Chronic Love’s five-step process for separating your dream girl from her Secret Service detail.

The most important thing to remember is presentation. Dress for success. This means no sneakers, and your belt must match your shoes. Aside from that feel free to put your own personal twist on your appearance. I subscribe to The-Flashier-The-Better Theory: women are a lot like fish; sometimes you need a little glimmer to get them on your line. Now comes the technical part.

Step one: Approach. After you make eye contact with the President you have about a thirty second window to approach. Otherwise you turn into that weird stalker guy. As you approach the group, smile. In most cases a smile will be enough for you to get your foot in the door. Next introduce yourself to the Secret Service. Look them in the eyes and try to remember their names. Women decide things by tribunal so in a very real way your fate lies in the hands of the Secret Service.

Step two: The Neg. This is the most important part. When you introduce yourself to the President give her what pickup artists call a “neg.” A neg is a well placed insult. Something like “I just saw a girl here with that same outfit.”
It’s just a little something to knock her off her pedestal. The key is to chip away just a little of her self confidence without personally offending her.

Step three: Ice the President. The key here is to immediately turn your complete attention to the Secret Service detachment. Treat each and everyone of them as if they were the President. It’s best if you can make them laugh. Do this while totally ignoring the President. After a few minutes, the President will begin to wonder why she’s not getting her usual attention. Women are natural attention whores. Therefore it is only a matter of time before the President becomes annoyed with the Secret Service – mostly for stealing her limelight.

Step four: Read her body language. Watch for subtle changes, for instance, if she starts to look around the bar, crosses her arms, or gets fidgety. As soon as you see one or more of these signs you know it’s time to turn your attention to the President. Quickly face her and ask if she would like to take a walk around. The President will be happy to get her spotlight back and will always accept your offer (if only to reassert her dominance over the Secret Service). I suggest whisking her to the farthest bar in the establishment. Putting some distance between you and the Secret Service will buy you some time. When you get there buy her a drink. If she already has one, do shots.

Step five: It’s time to close – leave mid-conversation and before the Secret Service arrives. Tell her you really have to get back to your friends but you would love to finish this conversation later. Take her number, smile, point to your cheek and get a kiss. Twenty five minutes after the bar closes call her up and ask her where you left off.

Your welcome, and happy hunting. – Kid Chronic

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