If you are like me, you are probably single this Valentine’s day. Okay, start laughing now. Hardy har har… But for serious, more than likely you are single if you’re reading this…And I am here to tell you, that’s fine. It’s great actually. Do you know how many swinger/singles parties there are on February 14? I’ve lived in Boston the past three years. I was single for every showing of Cupid and his little tiny arrows. Okay, stop laughing now…Anyway, I didn’t want to go out alone, so I got my buddy to tag along and we had a bro date…
I went to a sick hotel last year called the Charlesmark. I got a F.B. party invitation, put mine and my friend’s name on it and we were VIP at the door that night. Bang. Free booze, crudités and those funky little masquerade masks. They just want to give singles the night off. It’s tough. It can hurt being single on Valentine’s day. So don’t stay home this Monday. Get your bro and have a brodate! Here is a little guide to make sure it all goes well, and I think even you can get what you want this year!
1. Find the Party - If you live in a big city, ie. – NYC, Philly, Boston, Miami, go directly to Facebook. Search the events section for parties. Use keywords like Valentines Day, singles, mixers, or swinger party. If you find an event, most likely you RSVP on the Book and you are put on the guest list beforehand. Plan ahead, so you know what you are getting into, or else the next few steps do not mean sh*t. Also, find a lounge atmosphere. If you plan on going to a huge dance club, stop reading now.
2. Start with Food - Don’t walk in and go straight to the bar. Should women be there already, it will make you look nervous and it’s a rookie mistake anyway. Walk around, grab some fondue, use the bathroom, check your coat, TALK TO PEOPLE. Make notice of the decor. Remember, you are a guest. That means people put in a lot of time for you to enjoy yourself. Nothing gets you in better with the host than knowing a little bit about design or cuisine. This will come back twice fold later in the night.
3. Buy Your Bro His Drinks - The worst thing, and I mean the worst possible thing that can happen, is your wing man gets drunk and makes an ass of himself. If it was your idea to do this singles’ night, then most likely your friend is a little nervous because he doesn’t know of your intentions. Let him know you mean no harm and want to take your time that night by getting him something calm to drink. Don’t start with shots or beer. A nice Old Fashioned, Seelbach or Bee’s Knees will do just fine. Here is a list from a very classy restaurant I worked at In Harvard Square. This will give you some background on the trends in the world of Craft Bartending.
4. Make Use of Your Brain - Do you act spontaneously? Does your mind wonder from work stress? Can you handle the situation you have gotten yourself into? THINK. You are at a really cool place, holding a sick cocktail that took five minutes to blend, stir and pour. People are taking their time tonight. You knew tomorrow was Tuesday while you were putting on your black sport coat, correct? So why are you worrying right now. Besides, a classy dame is eyeing you from over at the chocolate fountain. Whoops. Your bro. What to do?
5. Keep Bro Entertained - If you are any kind of close friends, you have already discussed this on the way to the party and have a crystal clear impression on what the agenda is. What to do, when you are separated by the opposite sex. This should be easy and almost poetic. Remember that girl at the fountain? Yeah, well she’s still waiting. She’s dropped her strawberry into the warm sauce and needs a hero to come fish it out. Turn to your bro, make sure he approves. This should only take a quick bro shake, a witty joke about getting her in the sack, and you’re off. As you leave, turn to him and do something like point your finger at another girl or group of girls. Trust me, the fountain girl is watching and she will like the fact that you care about your friend’s needs as well.
6. The Approach Is Key - Make your approach without smothering her with your presence. I know one thing, and that is girls are smaller than us men. If you make yourself feel like that huge ball from Temple Of Doom coming at her, then she will be turned off almost instantly. You may or may not agree with me on this one, but being light on your feet is always the best way to approach a woman. Smile, don’t talk. Grab a skewer and fidget around with it while looking at the possible selections of fruit to choose. If she likes you, she will say something like, “Oh no, I’ve dropped my berry in the sauce, thingy.” As soon as you hear the word, “thingy” that’s when you look her in the eyes with the biggest deepest look of remorse you can possibly conjure and tell her you will rescue it. Don’t say “get it” don’t say “oh no!” Tell her you will rescue her freaking strawberry that she took the time to pick out, but sadly let slip off her tiny wooden bamboo skewer. Putty in your hands my man. Putty…
7. Details. Details - Getures go along way. Touching a lady too quickly is not a gesture of good faith. If she feels comfortable, she will laugh politely as she touches your arm. Never ever break this rule. Ever. Never touch her first. If she makes you laugh, giggle, don’t belly laugh. Belly laughs are for after sex and before dinner…Smile a lot. If you have bad teeth, you shouldn’t be at such a fancy party unless you are the DJ, the owner or the enter-freaking-tainment, I’m sorry, but women hate bad teeth. Don’t swear. Do use big words. Don’t cough into your hand. Do spit your gum into a napkin and put it in your pocket. DO NOT SMOKE. Do not get drunk. Do buy her a drink or your choice, not hers. Never ask her what she wants. She is trying to see what your tastes are in life.
8. Check On Your Friend – This is a key moment. While you were making nice with the girl, you should have already pointed out your friend. Made a joke and given him the traditional, thumbs up or something to that effect. If you didn’t you’re dumb and may go home now. Remember, you aren’t a stalker. You aren’t weird. She doesn’t know you, so make sure she thinks highly of you by the time you go check up with broseph, or she will disappear and hide on you. Keep time with your friend to like five minutes. Think of it as a huddle. Ready…Break!
9. Have Something Ready When You Return - Did you ever get up in front of the class for show and tell? That God damn Tommy from up the street had rich parents. I mean he is in 5th grade and has a car already or some sh*t like that. Did that piss you off? Well, not as much as if you get back and you can’t follow up on anything. Remember, you aren’t the only devilish looking debonair gent in the place. Hopefully you are ready to shake a leg, or cut a rug, or join in on the fun because if you think for one second she wants to do the whole get to know you routine over again then you are wrong. PUT YOUR DRINK DOWN. What are you dehydrated or something? Grab her by the hand and pull that smokewagon out on the floor and have some fun. You are now the man! Let’s just hope you can dance.
10. Bring The Whole Crowd Together - Now that you are on the floor getting the party going you look like a real keeper to her. She has already decided that she thought you were cute enough to sleep with, she might or might not do it tonight, but she is definitely your girl for the rest of the evening. So what do you do? What is on your mind? What is going through your brain right this instant? Tupac said it best. “A party ain’t a party til it’s thugged out.” Grab your bro, grab his girl. Grab everyone. Bring it all together. Two things are going to happen, one is you are getting a kiss because it’s Valentines. And two, you and your bro just became better friends. Also, remember how you got in good with the host? Well, they just invited you to an after party back a the condo…Awwwwwww Yeeeahhhhhhhh!